How is this story i am writing? Should i keep going?

Chapter 1-



I acted like I didn’t know the strange and unusual man, but I did. I had known him from my dreams, my nightmares, but not real life. I had been searching for him for 3 decades, and now I have found him. I was in the grocery store picking out some oranges for my 4 year old daughter, Kendra at home. That was her favorite fruit so I had to buy a lot of them. But there is where I noticed him. He was grabbing a plastic bag out of the steel bin, and he looked so familiar from they eyes and they shape of the eyebrows. They looked triangular in a way. His eyes looked Chinese, but he wasn’t Chinese at all. I kept acting like he was a stranger to me and I had never seen him in my life. But they whole thing bothered me. So I had to do something about it. So I painfully bumped into him. I didn’t mean to do it painfully, but I did mean to bump him.

“Excuse me?” the man glared at me.

“Oh I’m so sorry”, I said acting like the whole thing was an accident.

“Was it my fault?” he had a quiet English accent.

“No it was all mine, I am sorry again, but by the way are you from England?” I asked him. It was a stupid question but I just had to find some stuff out about this strange man I had seen before.

“Yes, I currently live there”, he said brushing some dust off his shirt and pants.

“I am just here trying to visit this one girl”, he said with his English voice getting higher.

“Oh, your girlfriend?” I asked him. He looked like he was in his low 30’s. But he would have said “my wife” if he was married.

“No I haven’t met her yet!” I looked at him differently. I squinted then rethought this thing over again.

“What if he is looking for me!” I asked my self.

“It’s confusing, I know. But she is in my dreams. And it is always placed here, in Lawton, Oklahoma”, he told me. And I immediately dropped the bag of oranges.

“That is exactly where my dream is placed”, I thought to myself. This is him for sure.

“And she looks familiar to you”, he told me. He started observing me and getting closer. I stepped back 1 step. I was starting to freak out.

“Are you okay?” he asked me. I know I didn’t seem okay but I was.

“Yes, but I have to tell you something”. I answered his question pretty quickly.

“What is it?” he looked deep into my big brown eyes. He had light green eyes that shined so bright.

“My dreams sound just like yours, but I am here looking for a man. And he happens to look exactly like you”, I said quietly.

“We have to meet up some time”, the man told me. I nodded then we shook hands.

“I’m Elizabeth Renner, but you can call me Eliza”, I told him. He smiled and his mouth came open. His teeth were as white as snow.

“And I am Holland Hernie, and you can just call me Holland”, He laughed then let go of my hand.

“We can meet up at my place tomorrow afternoon if you’d like”, I told him. It felt weird just letting a stranger be welcomed into my home, but he didn’t seem like a stranger to me. It felt like we had been friends since the sixth grade.

“Sure, I will need your address though”, he said and chuckled once more.

“Yeah, I live in a hotel right now with my daughter is that alright? She is four years old and deffinately a well mannered sweet heart”, I told him. Trying to convince him my daughter was not a devil of any kind.

“Yes that is splendid”.

“Okay. Well my room number is 133. It is on the third floor and on the left side of the hallway. It has a kitty door hanger on it, that says “WELCOME” .

“Okay, sounds good! Around 2:00 ish then?” he asked me. I nodded then we shook hands again. He looked like a nice man. He looked like he could be anyone’s friend.

Once he left the grocery store and I got in the long waiting lines, I had a tickly feeling inside me. It felt like I had met my true love. But first, before I went that far I had to know stuff about this man. That is why we are having to discuss it. I don’t know why we are doing it at my house though. I guess he just has never really been invited anywhere. And well, he also lives in England. About an hour later I was in the hotel with Kendra.

“When are we going home mommy”, Kendra asked. She was in the middle of peeling her apple.

“Is this going to be our home for a while?” Kendra asked me. She had a shine in her eyes that looked worried.

“This might be where we are staying for a few months”, I told her. Kendra was used to moving because we had been moving for most of her life. I have always been determined to find this guy. So we just kept visiting all of these places. These are the places we have lived: Vermont, Washington, Delaware, California, Georgia, Florida, Ohio, Ireland, France, Maine, New York, and New Mexico. Kendra was always worried we would actually stay in one place. I really don’t think she liked the fact of just staying in one habitat for more than a year. I knew she was going to be home schooled since she was born. Home schooling is hopefully going to start in 1 or 2 years for Kendra.

“Oh!” Kendra replied. Then went on the bed that sat in the middle of the living room and started watching TV.

“Oh and Kendra hunny!” I yelled.

“Yes?”

“There is a man comeing over tomorrow he is going to help me”, I told her. She looked at my in a curious way.

“Whats his name?”

“Mr. Hernie”.

“Oh, fine with me”, she said then got back to her TV show. I looked at my poor daughter. I didn’t know if she would ever trust me or even if she trusted me at the moment. I had lied to her a bunch over the past years. I would say, “You will make a friend”. But she would never get to just because we moved so much.

“So your okay with that?” I asked her.

“I don’t want you to uncomfortable”.

“I like meeting new people”, Kendra said to me.

“In fact, I met someone knew today and she is going to come over tomorrow too!” She told me. I looked at her strangely and raised my one eyebrow.

“Oh sweetie, that’s good! Whats her name?” I asked.

“Camille”.

“Camille?” I asked, I was confused, I didn’t know where Kendra had met this little friend at. She had been home alone for only 1 hour. And I had though she had just been sitting around, being lazy like normal kids her age do.

“Yes, is that a problem mommy?”

“No, not a problem at all! But where did you meet her darling?”

“Haven’t you been home alone?”

“Yes. She came through the window”, Kendra was acting normal, like just popping through a window wasn’t weird?

“Oh, sweetie! Weren’t you afraid?” I asked her. She looked at me strange. It looked like she thought every kid could just climb through a window and meet a best friend.

“Mommy, she is nice. But she is lonely and sad! And she also needs a friend like me!” Kendra’s voice sounded all joyful, like she couldn’t complain about this one girl.

“Okay, but where’s her mommy?”

“She killed her, it was an accident though!” Kendra told me with a straight face. I dropped what I was once holding and looked at her with my mouth wide open.

“Kendra, you cant see this girl every again!” I told my baby. I didn’t want her hanging out with a kid that has murdered her mother. That was insane.

“Then you cant hang out with your boyfriend”, Kendra acted like she was now the mother of me!

“He is not my boyfriend Kendra, and I will not let you be the boss of me!” I screeched.

“Mommy, your being mean”, Kendra put her sad face on and crawled onto the couch with her back slumped and her face looking at the ground.

“Kendra, don’t try that on me, I am mad!” I tried to be strong with this whole parenting thing, I was just not used to it.

“Mommy!” she whimpered.

“Oh come on over here Kendra!” I told her, her face grew into a big smile. She came over and hugged me.

“So I can talk to Camille still?” she asked me. Now that right there is what I had to put my foot down at.

“No Kendra, never again!” and what she did next, I would have never predicted! She pinched my leg as hard as she could then skipped into her room, and slammed the door.

I could feel my legs pain. It was like getting stabbed, I didn’t realize a four year old was that good at pinching.

“Don’t slam your door young lady!” I yelled to her.

“Blah, blah, blah!” she told me. I limped to her bedroom door that she currently had. And it was locked.

“Open this door now, Kendra Anne Renner!” I only used her full name when I was really mad at her, and she knew that.

“No Elizabeth! I will not listen to you”, she replied in a screaming matter. All I heard was her calling me by my first name. I had told her this year that she could NEVER call me by my first name, it was always going to be mommy, mom, or mother. NEVER Elizabeth.

“Get your butt out here right now young lady!” I told her. I was furious. I was about to knock down the hotels door. But I knew I couldn’t, and then I would have loads of money that I would owe them.

“Don’t you talk to me in that tone”, her voice got lower and I started to get scared.

“Kendra Anne!!!”

“Elizabeth Theodora”, she replied. I hated my middle name, and she also knew that. I didn’t know what she was thinking, suddenly I forgot about meeting Mr. Hernie the next day. I forgot about the whole dream thing. All of my concentration was set on my daughter.

“Kendra hunny, Im not mad!” I said to her trying to calm down, I thought that she would come out of the room if she thought I wasn’t angry at her.

“No Mommy, you aren’t a good mommy. You lie!” Kendra told me. I looked surprised

“I have never lied to you”, now that was an added lie to my pile of lies. Because I have lied to Kendra a couple times, but she knew I had felt bad about every mistake I have made with her.

“Yes you have, now you are lying again”.

I shook my head, because it was true, she was right. She couldn’t see me shake my head anyways! She was on the other side of the door. But then something funny happened. I heard her talking to some little girl, it was spooky.

“Kendra?” I asked I didn’t want that little girl to hurt her, what if it was Camille.

“Its just my stupid mother, she is always up to some lying scam”, I hear Kendra say to the little girl.

“Yeah, right when I saw your mom in the grocery store, I knew my father had made her!” I didn’t know who had said that sentence; it for sure wasn’t Kendra though. It was more in an Italian accent.

“Ha! Yeah, who’s your father? I bet he is great!” I heard Kendra say all cheerfully.

“A one of the devil’s demons!” the Italian accent spoke. My eyes grew wide, I had to keep listening. I could barely speak.

“Are you kidding me”, I whispered softly. No one but myself could hear me.

“I love the devil, I bet I would love his demon’s too. Camille? Are they nice?” Kendra said in a snotty tone.

“No! Not at all, that is the great part about them! They try to kill all day long, its hilarious! My Uncle Mardi, he is one of the demons and he comes up with the funniest ways to kill people!” I heard them laughing! I couldn’t believe my own little Kendra was laughing at such a terrible thing.

“Quit, let me in Kendra!!!” I wailed with despair.

“That’s her again, being her numskull self”.

“Yes, your right!” Kendra agreed with Camille. I couldn’t believe it. It was outragisly freaky.

“Let me in!” I was banging on the door like a thief would do to get into a room full of money.

“No way!” I heard Camille say.

“Lets shave her in her sleep”. Once I heard that sentence, I fell to the floor. I felt like I could just shoot myself, because it didn’t come out of Camille’s mouth. It came out of Kendra’s.

Just think, my own four year old daughter wanted to shave my head while I was sleeping. How else could I handle the situation.

I was shaking like a Chihuahua, I could barely pick up my cell phone. But I finally got a hold of it. I dialed 911.

I really did know who else to call.

“Hello, you are speaking to Tamara Morre, how may I help you?” the girl spoke through the phone.

“My daughter she wants to kill me. And she is planning how to kill me right now with her friend!” I had a crying voice.

“Ma’m you are going to have to hold on for a few minutes, the police will be there in a minute! We have your address down”. After the woman said that she hung up. I was so jumpy and nervous, I didn’t know what to do next. I really wanted to keep Kendra safe and get her out of the room but before I even knew it she had already came out of her room. It was just her; I saw her head and her fist only. Right before that little fist met with my face and especially my nose I heard “Mommy, you are going to be dead my next month, this is just the start”. I was in a concussion for about 4 or 5 days. The next morning was a Friday. The doctor was in the room with me. I saw flowers on the dresser that lay beside the hospital bed. The floor looked much cleaned up, like someone was expecting a visitor in the room. The tile was very plain, just plain white with brownish pebbles in it.

“Why am I here?” I asked the doctor. He looked at me with a frown on his Asian face.

“A little girl called me and said that an old man that was African American came into the house unexpectedly and punched you right in the face.

I looked at him strange because, I for some reason thought it was my own daughter, so I decided to speak up a bit.

“No, you are so mistaken! It was my daughter! About 3 minutes before this happened, I called the police on her and her friend”. I told the doctor. I didn’t think he would understand me, and I was right.

“Why would you call the police on your daughter and her friend?” he asked me. I didn’t feel like answering so I picked up my arm and lied it on my forehead.

“its alright”. He patted my hand and looked at me, then winked.

“I don’t expect you to know everything”, he said. I looked at him funny.

“But I do know everything”, I thought.

“I have no brain injuries for sure”.

I didn’t say those two sentences out loud, but I for sure thought them. Once the doctor walked out I noticed this guy walking into the room. He had a cane in his left hand, it looked like a very expensive cane too. He was limping and he looked pretty familiar.

“Hello Eliza”, he said. I started to recognize his voice also.

“I met you in the supermarket!” he told me. Then I figured out who he was.

“Oh Mr. Hernie”, I said.

“Call me Holland remember”, he asked me as he grabbed a chair and sat down.

“Oh, right”.

“So, I don’t remember you with a cane!” I told him.

“Oh yeah, I had never rode a bike before, so I tried to and well, I crashed into a tree”, he blushed.

“Oh”, I was laughing. I couldn’t help to laugh. It was funny that he was trying to ride a bike at his age, I had ridden bikes most of my life.

“But why are you in here?” He asked.

“That’s the most important thing!”

“Kendra, she, she-“, I barely could speak. I had so much stuff to say to the man.

“She went mad?” he asked me. He got a hold of my hand and was rubbing it gently, it felt rather good.

“How do you know?” I asked him.

“I had another dream”.

“It was of Kendra, she has a friend named Camille, and Camille is the devil’s child. Her last name is Devil too. But it is spelled a little different so nobody can get suspicious”. I looked at Holland in a weird way.

“How’s it spelled”, I asked quietly.

“D.E.V.I.L.L.E” he spelled it out for me.

One of my eyebrows went up and the other was all the way down, almost on top of my left eye.

“Wow, this all happened in your dream?”

“Yes, and theres more”, he replied in a merry voice. I didn’t know why he was so boisterous. Maybe he was just so happy to find someone who he could share all of this with.

“She hit you, hard”, he said sadly.

“She punched you so quick you didn’t even know it, you just fell right to the floor for a second time in a row”.

He was right, right about all of it. It was like, like, like he was a physic.

“You’re a physic!” I sharply spoke.

“No, my dreams just come true, just like yours!” he told me.

“So you are like the narrator of my life?” I asked him.

“Yes, exactly”.

“And you the narrator of mine”, he told me.

“So your little boy, he did die, at the age of 13?” I asked him.

“Yes. Then my mother-“ he started to talk about his life but I stopped him.

“Your mother, she died because the heart surgeon didn’t pay attention when he was doing surgery on her”, I told him. He started to get tears in his eyes. I forgot I was in the hospital. But we really did need to talk.

“Yes, and sorry to tell you, but you’re the one-“, I stopped him for the second time.

“Who made your life so miserable”. I finished his sentence. He nodded.

“But you have made my life miserable too”, I told him.

“Now look at me”.

He looked to the ground.

“We both need to quit having such dreams”, he said.

“How, we can’t NOT sleep”, I told him.

“And loads of people say you have at least one dream each night”, I said. This was a pretty depressing situation.

“We cant”, he told me. I didn’t know what he meant.

“We cant sleep”. I looked at him in astonishment.

“No, I have to sleep! You have to sleep”, I told him as if he was in about 2nd or 3rd grade.

“We have to, or our lives will get more screwed up”, he told me. I stared at him in confusion.

“No, I’m not doing it! I don’t care if I screw up your life anymore! It is not screwing up any of my life”, I told him, and I turned my back away from him and looked out the window of the hospital. I saw a school-yard. I saw kids riding their bikes up and down the hills. The school bell had just rung. My face was all pale. I couldn’t believe what was happening to my life. I had finally found the guy I had been looking for, and now I was scolding him. What kind of person was I? then I heard a chair get pushed back and a door open. I turned around.

“Wait!” I said. He looked back at me like I was some psycho.

“What? Are you going to scream at me, or be an adult and talk about this messed up situation we BOTH have”, he sound so manly. I couldn’t turn him down.

“Just sit down!” I told him. He closed the door and walked toward the chair once more. He pulled it out and turned it around, then sat on it backwards. I always hated when guys did that, especially older men.

“Talk!” he said. I looked at him with a worried frown.

“I’m sorry for what I just said, but if we AREN’T going to sleep, we have to stick together”. I for sure meant what I said. We couldn’t full around one bit.

“Yes, your right”.

“And, and-“

“We have to stay together 24/7”, he replied.

“Also, we can’t full around! No junk like “I will be back in a second!” we can’t do that!!!!!” I strictly told him.

He nodded.





































































Chapter 2-





“Look at those kids”, he told me. I turned around and looked out the window again.

“They look so happy”, I said loudly. I sounded like I had a cold.

“Yeah”, he agreed. His face turned to a long, stretchy smile.

“Hah”, he laughed.

“They look like they are having bunches of fun!”

“And we need to do that too!” he demanded.

“Your not sick, you have no brain damage! So lets go have fun!”

“No! They didn’t say I am aloud out!”, I told him.

“We can sneak out! Just like when we were teenagers!” he said. I looked at him like he was crazy. Because when I was a teenager, I was stuck in my room studying all night long, not sneaking out.

“What? I stuck in my room for my teenage life”, I told him.

He awakened my hand, and shook it until I figured out I was forced to get up. I got up and felt a little dizzy but I knew I was fine.

“One question!” I said.

“How are we going to sneak out?”

“That’s easy!”

He was holding my hand very tight. He looked a bit worried.

“What I do, is what you are going to do”, he let go of my hand and opened the window.

“have you ever walked on a roof?” He asked me. I shook my head.

“Good gracious Elizabeth!”

When he said that, he sounded like my mother when she got very tense with me. I rolled my eyes.

“Well this is going to be a first”, he said to me. I rolled my eyes once more. He climbed out of the window.

“Now you do it”.

“No, it looks hard!” I told him. It looked like I could fall right off, and I knew I could.

“You have too!” he said. After he said that about 20 seconds later I heard the door creaking.

“Hello, Miss. Renner?” I heard a woman’s voice say. At that moment I knew I had to hurry up.

“Come on”, Holland whispered. I jumped right out of the window. And slammed the window shut, and then locked it. Through the window I saw the woman. She looked very surprised and anxious. I believe she was the cleaning lady.

“Now lets jump!” he said.

“Jump?” I said apprehensively.

“Yes, on the count of three!”

He was sweating also. I grabbed his hand and held it so tight I could barely feel anything.

“One”.

“Two”.

“Three”.

“Jump!”

We both leaped off of the hospital building. I felt like we were in slow motion in the air. Finally we landed.

“Oh my”, I said as we hit the grass.

“Luckily we didn’t hit the sidewalk!” he said. I put my hand gladly on my forehead and then swept it off.

“Yeah”, I said out of breath. I could barely breathe.

“Wow!” I was on my hands and knees, kind of like a dog. I was also panting. But I was laughing too.

How is this story i am writing? Should i keep going?
That is the best book ever! defintely keep on going! every part of it i wouldn't get bored! normally i wouldn't read long stories like that, but i was just glued!





thanks for the best story ever! and dont worry i will not copy it! oh heavens no!
Reply:Very long but interestng! just make sure that there is always something that will keep the reader turning the pages like the beginning of the story. good job!
Reply:no u write like a 12 year old sorry, I suggest reading up on writing and taking sum classes u haf sum potential but u just need 2 apply urself. =) Never give up!!!
Reply:I agree with the first answer..



also, some of the descriptive words you have chosen don't work very well. For instance "low thirties" try saying early thirties. Just a thought.

Do continue.. don't give up that is. Like the first person said- you may have to try a few drafts before you get it right :)



One last thing.. you might try posting this on fanfiction.net instead of Y!A.. you're more likely to get constructive criticism there.
Reply:omg!!!no one has answered optimasticlly !so what .its greaty !yes,yes,yes,yes,yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... the rest of it give it a good title and publish it .i bet youll be able to make a movie of it wow wow wow wow wow WOW that was great fabulaous beautiful striking thoughtful mysterious just just PERFECT!
Reply:Very creative writing. The beginning was interesting, and make sure you correct the grammer mistakes, some of the words were spelled wrong, but it was good.
Reply:First of all, it was hell to read because of so many spelling and grammatical errors. also, wasn't the guy she met at the supermarket also a demon? or did she forget that when her little girl punched her out?

It's not that great. It's too choppy, you'll have to do several drafts and have someone go through it carefully to point out and fix mistakes.